Think Big and Think Really Big! (Auckland, New Zealand, "David Lim", davidlim)

Think Big

The Dilbert cartoon empire brings in $200 million in annual sales from newspaper syndication, a TV show, a dozen book collections, and more than 700 licensed products from $500 leather jackets to clip-on “pointy hair”. After creator Scott Adams stopped eating meat several years ago, he grew concerned he was not getting adequate nutrition, so he spent $1 million of his share of the money pile to develop a “nutritionally complete, natural food.” The result is the “Dilberito”, a $2.29 meatless burrito-like packaged meal that he is now trying to market to grocery stores. Will it sell? “Six billion people, three meals a day,” Adams says. “It can get big.” (Newsweek)

Think Really Big
The Brazilian TV show Tiazinha (Portugese for “Little Aunt”) was designed to appeal to teens, but the show is more of a hit with adults. That may have something to do with its presentation: a “partially nude model” whips students for not doing their homework. Sex shops say leather whip sales — not to mention the S&M style clothing like the TV mistress wears — are booming. “I never imagined reaching such heights of success,” said actress Suazana Alves, who plays Tiazinha on the show. (AFP)

The Blind Leading the Blind! (Auckland, New Zealand, "David Lim" davidlim)

The Texas Commission for the Blind is charged with helping the visually impaired get jobs. But a federal probe has shown the Commission has violated the Americans with Disabilities Act. The problem? The Justice Department says the Commission discriminated against two of its employees because they had impaired vision. The Commission has settled with the employees, paying one $50,000 and another $5,000. (UPI)

The U.S. House of Representative’s Inspector General says the U.S. Capitol and five House office buildings lack basic fire safety measures. Sprinklers are not hooked up to water, alarms are placed where they cannot be heard, and there are inadequate escape routes, says Inspector General John Lainhart IV. “As a result, the safety of members [of Congress], staff, and visitors has been jeopardized and these historic buildings have been left vulnerable to a fire,” Lainhart says. Architect of the Capitol Alan M. Hantman agreed “that buildings in the House complex are not fully protected by modern, state of the art fire protection systems meeting current codes.” However, he said, “there is no legal requirement” that they be. (AP)

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Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest & Beyond Dumb, Auckland, New Zealand, "David Lim", davidlim

Dumb

Steven Baron and Andrew Fiore are being held without bail for armed robbery. Police in Foster, R.I., charge that the two men entered a mini-mart at a gas station and made a small purchase. As the clerk packaged the items, one of the robbers sprayed him in the face with pepper gas and scooped $157 out of the cash register. Only then did the two men put on ski masks, though one forgot to take the cigarette out of his mouth first and burned his face. A security camera recording the whole thing got such clear pictures of the men that when they were shown to area police departments, three different officers immediately recognized the men as Baron and Fiore. Foster Police Chief Donald Kettle dubbed the robbery “one of the stupidest crimes ever committed.” (UPI)

Dumber
Michael Anthony Silver, 34, has been arrested for burglary and grand larceny. Leesburg, Va., police were led to Silver when the burglary victim got his phone bill: it had a $250 charge for calls to a psychic hotline around the time the crime was committed. Police contacted the phone psychics and found that one of their callers indeed gave his name as Michael Silver. Silver said he did make the calls, but from somewhere else. (AP)

Dumbest
Police in Las Vegas, Nev., have captured a sniper who shot at eight cars on the interstate outside of Reno, injuring two drivers. Christopher Merritt, 20, was stopped by officers because his truck had a burned-out tail light. Officers then discovered the truck was stolen, and found it carried guns and ammunition. Washoe County Sheriff Richard Kirkland said Merritt was “a goofball” who “incriminated himself” in the shootings. His motive? Police say Merritt figured that once he shot at the cars, they would crash and he could then run up and rob the occupants. (UPI)

Beyond Dumb
Moments after a bank robber in Wilmington, Del., escaped, a packet of dye hidden in the loot exploded, staining his skin with incriminating evidence. A few minutes later, a man stepped from an apartment building and waved a friendly greeting to a passing police cruiser. “The officer noticed his hands were fluorescent orange and just put two and two together,” a police spokesman said. Impulsive waver Cawayne Brown was arrested and charged with bank robbery. “If he would have gone about his business, the cop car would have gone right past him.” (AP)

This is True! (Auckland, New Zealand, "David Lim", davidlim)

A High Caliber of Citizens

University of Chicago, Ill., economist John Lott studied crime statistics in states that have “relaxed” laws about carrying guns. He found that the crime rates in “right to carry” states went down, sometimes way down, after passing legislation allowing responsible adults to carry guns. Murders fell an average of 8 percent, rapes 5 percent and aggravated assaults 7 percent, while at the same time in the U.S. as a whole murders went up 24 percent, rapes went up 71 percent, and assaults went up more than 100 percent. And in those states, the death rate in mass public shootings — such as a crazed gunman opening fire in a crowded restaurant — dropped 69 percent, while deaths from accidental shootings increased by only about one per year. Hardly a gun freak, Lott has never been a member of the National Rifle Association and didn’t even own a gun when he started his study. But once he saw how clearly the statistics were turning out, he bought one. (Time) ...“An armed society is a polite society." —Robert A. Heinlein (1907-1988), American writer.

Newspeak
Vice President Al Gore called a press conference to give an award to the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. He presented the first Plain Language (“No Gobbledygook”) Award to OSHA for rewriting a rule relating to “dipping tanks”. The rule previously took two paragraphs totaling 79 words and cited 15 examples. The new award-winning language took seven paragraphs totaling 61 words, and included no examples. (Reuters)

Stick to Gambling
Charles Hales said he went to the restroom at the Silver Star Casino in Philadelphia, Pa., three years ago. Somehow, he got stuck to the toilet seat. Casino security had to bring him to a back room to pry the seat off. That was too much for Hales. “Walking down the aisle with a security guard and waddling like a duck was a little more than I could handle,” he says, so he has filed a $50,000 lawsuit against the casino, claiming that the seat must have been smeared with glue. The casino says no glue was found on the seat, and they provided paper seat covers in any case. (AP)

Artistic Salesman Wanted
A survey by Redbook magazine discovered “who makes the best husband by profession.” The winners are artists, truck drivers and mechanics. Worst were doctors and computer specialists. Artists got a 100 percent score for “taking their time” at foreplay, with 13 percent even taking too much time. However, with quality, quantity suffers: 40 percent of the artists manage to perform only once per week, while salesmen are tops, averaging sex once per day. But there’s that quality versus quantity problem: 25 percent of salesmen’s wives say “it’s over in a flash.” (Reuters)

Nine out of Ten Would be Adequate
Researchers at Alabama’s Auburn University say they have determined what men want in the “ideal woman”: she is sexually inexperienced but likes sex, has a career but is a full-time homemaker, has a slim build, is athletic, and has pretty eyes, dark hair, good complexion and a firm butt. Large breasts are nice, but not all that important. The study’s lead author, Erica Gannon, says the specifications are similar to what is found in the Bible. “Our participants, whether knowingly or unknowingly, espouse a view of the ideal woman that is very similar to the views held by individuals thousands of years ago.” However, she adds, “It’s hard to be this woman.” (UPI) ...About as hard as being the ideal man: strong yet gentle, powerful yet sensitive, has a great career yet helps clean the house and raise the children, in control yet cries, and a sex expert who’s only been with one woman.

Suicide is Painless
When Douglas Alan Smith, 34, was convicted of murder in Arizona, he ordered his lawyer to seek the death penalty for him, saying he would rather die than spend the rest of his life in prison. “It took me a long time to get OK with it,” said his lawyer, Jamie McAlister. But she realized there was something worse than the death penalty: “What I hate more is to see someone strip people of their right to make their own decisions.” However, the Phoenix, Ariz., murderer was denied his wish and instead sentenced to 62 years in prison. McAlister will appeal the sentence and insist that her client be put to death. (AP)

Position Available, Some Experience Preferred
British au pair Louise Woodward, who was convicted of manslaughter in the death of an American infant in her charge, says that she has received 50 marriage proposals, mostly sent in letters, since returning to England. “You always get people who see a picture or your face on TV and fall in love with it,” she told reporters. “They tend to keep my photograph by their bed.” The former nanny says none of the letters were “scary” even though some came from “loonies”. Rather, “I’ve got lots of friends out there,” she said. (AP)

Join the Navy, See the World
A lot of people seem to want to join the British Royal Navy. However, “we are getting young people who are very bad swimmers or in some cases can’t swim at all,” says Capt. Chris Tuffley, the Navy’s director of physical training. “Some are literally scared of the water.” The Navy told the government of the problem, and recommended better swimming facilities in schools. But the Education Department has rejected the suggestion: it says that standards are already in place which require all 11-year-olds be able to swim 25 meters. (Reuters)

Oral Contracts aren’t Worth the Paper they’re Written On
Peter Wallis, 36, says he and his ex-girlfriend had an “oral contract” that she would take birth control pills. However, he says, she intentionally stopped taking them and became pregnant. So the Santa Fe, N.M., man is suing Kellie Smith, 37, charging fraud, breach of contract, and conversion of property — his sperm. Smith’s lawyer has asked the judge to dismiss the lawsuit on the grounds that it is “ridiculous”. (Reuters)

When We Ask, Please Tell
While the U.S. military is still drumming out any homosexuals it finds in its ranks, the Dutch air force is actively recruiting them. “There are more exciting places on earth than the dark room,” promises the caption under a photo of a F16 fighter plane in an ad in GAY Krant, a leading gay magazine in Holland. The “dark room” refers to back rooms in gay bars where men meet. (Reuters)

Dream Job
Rock Hall, Md., Police Chief Kevin Winstead told one of his officers about a dream he had about watching a building burn down. When the story reached the town council, they took it as a “veiled threat” and fired him. Winstead is now suing the town over his firing and damaged reputation. (AP)

Equal Opportunity
Police in London, England, have reportedly “rescued” a man who says he was forced by “two stunning blondes” to take Viagra. The women, he said, then chained him to a bed in a hotel and raped him. He was found the next morning still in chains, and a sign reading “Viagra Rape Squad Strikes Again” posted on his door. However, police noted, the man did not press criminal charges against the women. (AFP)

Proof of Concept
Kevin Sean Rowe, 34, thought it would be fun to squish a quarter on the tracks of an oncoming train. The Fort Lauderdale, Fla., writer walked onto the tracks, put the coin down and waited for the southbound train to run it over. “I was very much aware of the first train,” he said. “I was utterly oblivious to the second one.” Rowe was standing on the northbound track, his back to another train coming the other way. The collision left him with a fractured skull, broken ribs and a collapsed lung, but he will recover. (Reuters)